Inviting Vulnerability

Immediately upon gathering of a group of twelve strangers in an emptied hotel room, our facilitator urged us to “be vulnerable.” She depicted this vulnerability as torturous — and obligatory. I would be spending eight hours over four days with this group, focusing on connection and personal reflection. I didn’t know anyone. My ignorance turned into ire: what a lazy and self-interested request! Rather than doing the hard work to create trust and connection among the group members, the group leader was indicating a self-congratulatory, low bar for measuring the success of her own facilitation: “If people share raw emotion, I have succeeded.”

A few weeks later, at a candlelit gathering of thirty people for an actual discussion about “human connection”, our host immediately vowed inclusivity and anonymity. He gently invited us to share without hesitation, and to “be vulnerable.” Although rankled by his rhetoric, I accepted what I imagined was his intent: indicating that this was a safe space in which people could choose to be vulnerable, however we define it. He had done the hard work of setting the stage by disclosing the agenda, warmly welcoming us, introducing the participants, and indicating utmost respect for people and their privacy.

Leaders have explained to me that when they ask people to be vulnerable they are asking for “candor” and “openness.” But why are leaders (and…